Saving Disgrace

I consider myself a frugal person.  Others might even go so far as to label me “cheap”, which is completely fine.  I consider it a compliment, but there’s one savings arena I don’t mind telling you, I’m pretty lousy at.  I’m hoping some of you might be able to help me out or at least calm me down.

A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I went to the grocery store… together.  Let me assure you, this is something that’s happened maybe eleven times in our entire marriage.  We’ve always operated on the assumption that the yard is his problem, and the pantry’s mine.  Unless snakes are breeding in the tall grass or we’re living on ramen noodles… nobody’s complaining.  At least no one WAS complaining until our field trip to Kroger.

When we had finished our shopping, we migrated to the line that looked the shortest… something that almost never pans out.  The conveyor belt was finally within reach, when we noticed the woman in front of us had a fist full of coupons that were as thick as a Danielle Steele novel.  Needless to say, we were annoyed.  Though it only took five minutes to ring up her groceries, it took another half hour to calculate the discounts.

After a while, it became pretty mind blowing how much money she was shaving off her bill right before our eyes.  At one point, I thought they were going to have to cut her a check just to leave.  To pass the time, we started taking bets on how much she was about to save.  It was like an episode of the Price is Right.  My husband guessed $20.  I upped the ante to $35, and the guy behind us was that obnoxious audience member who was giving a thumbs up while shouting, “You go girl!”

Let’s just say none of us would have made it to the grand showcase.  She saved a whopping $125 dollars… HALF her bill! I knew immediately I’d made a huge mistake allowing my husband to witness this.  As we loaded $200 worth of nothing into the trunk of our car he casually asked, “So… why don’t we ever use coupons?”  There it was! I knew it!  From here on out I would be seen as “fiscally irresponsible” just because I don’t clip coupons.

It’s not that I’m against it.  Before I had two needy pets and a daughter meowing, barking and whining at me simultaneously I used to be one of those people who scoured the Sunday paper in search of discounts.  These days… we’re lucky if we have a gallon of milk in the fridge that isn’t two weeks out of date.  I recently tossed out a bottle of salad dressing that expired in 2006. Just minutes after that gruesome discovery, my daughter and I filled up a glass of water and dropped an egg inside to see if it was still safe to eat.  It’s a little trick I learned on the internet.  If the egg sinks, it’s still good.  See… I’m frugal!  Few people have the fortitude (or desire) to choke down out of date food.

As pathetic as it sounds, I’m starting to think I simply lack the organizational skills required to save money via a coupon.  This woman was a professional.  I’m not joking when I say that she had them secured in a photo album, and as if that weren’t enough… they were organized by aisle AND expiration date.  If coupon clipping were a competitive sport, this chick would be Tiger Woods.  I’m pretty sure I’d have to quit my job to compete at this level, and even then… I’d probably get my butt kicked.  The more I thought about it, the madder I got.  Who has this kind of time on their hands?  I haven’t even painted my nails in eight years!

It never fails.  Every time I try to use a coupon, something goes awry.  It’s either out of date, or I’m at the wrong store.  Half of the time I get so swept up in reading the gossip magazines in the check out aisle I forget to even USE the darn thing.  Then it rides around in the bottom of my purse for the next six months collecting lint.

The thing that really bugs me about coupons is all the strings that are attached.  Why can’t the manufacturers just give you the stinking discount?  Must I really be required to buy enough food to feed the Octomom’s family just to get a buck off?  Last week I actually fell for this one.  I bought three boxes of frozen sausage balls to meet the coupon criteria.  When I got home and opened the freezer, I realized I must have done the same thing the last time they were on sale because I’m now the proud owner of a half a dozen boxes… AKA: 144 sausage balls.  To bad there aren’t any Christmas parties coming up!  I think we’re single handedly keeping Tennessee Pride in business.  I jokingly asked my husband if he would mind helping our daughter set up a sausage ball stand at the end of the drive-way.  It’s our only hope of recouping our money.

The devil is ALWAYS in the details.  About six months ago I bought what seemed like a 40 lb. bottle of Tide Mountain Scent.  It took two grown men to help me load it into the cart.  When I got to the front, the Gestapo notified me that unfortunately, my coupon was for the Tide “with Febreeze”.  Frankly, they don’t make enough Xanax for moments like this.  And the absolute worst has to be the dreaded Macy’s coupon.  If you get one of their circulars in your mailbox… burn it.

Don’t get me wrong.  I LOVE that store, but have you ever tried to use one of their coupons?  If not… let this be your warning.  You have a better chance of winning the Powerball jackpot than finding something in that store that the coupon actually applies to.  In their defense, there’s a five paragraph disclaimer on the bottom of the coupon that identifies all of the things you CAN’T buy with it.  No jewelry, no make up, no furniture, no house wares, no Ralph Lauren (or for that matter, any designer you’ve ever heard of).  Please! Next time save some ink, and just tell me what I CAN use it on.

I’ll never forget the exact day I swore off coupons.  It was in 2003, when my daughter was just 18 months old.  I still have post traumatic stress every time I think about it.  I spent four hours on a Sunday afternoon clipping coupons, pruning expired ones and organizing for my trip to the store.  For once, I felt like I had the situation under control.

I walked in with an envelope that, not only contained the coupons, but also had my grocery list written on the outside with detailed instructions on what I was required to do to achieve the discount.  I was in the best mood.  Dalton and I were practically skipping down the aisles.  I guess I was prematurely basking in the glory of finally getting one over on the man.  All was right in the world… until I got to the ice cream aisle and started looking for my list.  Was it the Breyers or Flav-O-rich I had the coupon for?  The envelope… where’s the envelope?  It was gone.

I turned the cart upside down trying to find it.  The aisle looked like a tornado had touched down.  The contents of my cart were spread out all over the floor as I searched for the magic envelope.  When I realized it was gone, I began thinking back to when I had last seen it.  I went back six aisles to where I remembered my daughter playing with it.  Much to my dismay… it was nowhere to be found. Feeling helpless and out of control… I got down on all fours and began crawling around to see if I could find it.  Unfortunately, I’ll never know because just a few minutes into my search, I bumped my head into the store manager who said, “Ma’am, are you alright?”  No I was not alright!!!!  I just lost a ridiculously insignificant amount of money!  I thought it was best to just pay up and get out of the store before they called the men with the pretty white jacket to haul me off to the looney bin.

And that was it!  I vowed that day that I would never clip another coupon as long as I live, and I never have… until now.  I’m inspired.  If you have any tips, send them my way.