It’s always interesting to me to see who people surround themselves with. You can tell a lot about a person by who they hang out with. The law of attraction knows no boundaries. Whoever you are… you attract. For me, it’s neurotics.
Karl Jung defines this as, “those people who are successfully adjusted by normal societal standards, but who nevertheless, have issues with the meaning of life.” To me… that seems a little harsh. I like to think of it as more of “a tendency to fixate on things that have no real significance or bearing on life.”
We’re obsessive-compulsive, but not in the way that makes our homes look immaculate or requires medication. Instead, we go over the deep-end quickly, over just about everything. Such was the case, a couple of weeks ago, when my best friend texted me on a Sunday night.
Friend: “Clear the deck tomorrow night. We’re taking a field trip.”
Me: “Ooohh! I love field trips. Where are we going?”
Friend: “Lewisburg”
Me: (Not what I had envisioned.) “What’s in Lewisburg?”
Friend: “Whiter teeth!”
Me: (Silence)
Friend: “I sold a BMW to a dentist today, and he offered to whiten our teeth!”
Me: “Interesting… what kind of dentist is in the office at 9:30 at
night, whitening people’s teeth? Is he even licensed?
Friend: “Don’t be ridiculous. We’re going to his house. You’ll love him!”
I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I still have a set of whitening trays from the year 2000, that I haven’t seen, or even cared to look for, in at least five years. When your daily consumption of coffee and Diet Coke reaches the gallon mark, it’s pretty much a moot point anyway.
My teeth are yellow… so be it! I’ve got bigger fish to fry, like these sagging eye lids. I’d Rollerblade to a barn in Kentucky at midnight if someone could help me out in that arena. They don’t even necessarily have to have a degree, but my teeth… not that worried about them.
Nevertheless, his enthusiasm was infectious, and I ended up agreeing to go. It’s not like I had anything better to do on a Monday night. Plus, if I’m honest, the idea of meeting a dentist who’s even WILLING to whiten our teeth in his kitchen was intriguing enough to justify the trip. I’m such a hypochondriac… most of the doctors and dentists I know have started screening my calls.
Monday night, as promised, we pulled up to a home in the middle of nowhere, that was fit for an episode of MTV cribs. The next thing I knew… I was sitting on an expensive bar stool, holding a Papillon in my lap with a wad of that rubbery gel gagging me.
While waiting for the gel to “cure”, the dentist and his lovely wife proceeded to tell us how their son got married in the back yard, last summer, on a reality t.v. show. Instantly, I knew we were going to be great friends. This is precisely the kind of “off- kilter” nuance about someone’s life that I can relate to. Normal people don’t agree to such things. They’re obviously one of “US”.
On the way out the door, the good dentist offered us a weekend in his lake house on Tim’s Ford, and promised to teach me how to get up on a ski chair, something that… until now, I had assumed was an urban legend. Apparently, these contraptions do exist, and this summer… I’ll likely be mastering the art of the “air” chair.
Fast forward five days, and this is when things got really interesting. My friend popped by after work. We hadn’t really spoken much of the whole whitening episode in days, but when he smiled… I gasped! His teeth were borderline translucent.
Me: “What happened to you?!”
Friend: “What do you mean… what happened? Do they look good,or what?
I couldn’t help but wonder whether he had just gone with straight Clorox. Outside the extreme photo-shopping apps, I had never seen this kind of whiteness. The transformation was bizarre, and not in a good way.
Friend: “I went for the triple play baby!”
Me: “I’m afraid to ask.”
Friend: “Well, I used the ten minute whitening gel and didn’t notice a difference, so
then I followed up with the daytime gel, and slept in the night-time gel.
Pretty cool huh?”
Me: “Pretty… scary! Have you examined them closely? Is there any enamel left?”
After much skepticism on my part, he finally admitted that, in addition to the “triple play”, he had upped the ante by purchasing some device at the tanning bed that holds your mouth open for an even fuller glow! The last time we talked about it, he was considering 6-thousand dollars worth of porcelain veneers. See how quickly things can spiral out of control. I’m just hoping this week he sells a BMW to a plastic surgeon.
Unanchored 