The Price of Beauty

In some ways this is a continuation of last week’s blog.  (WARNING:  If you’re a man, stop reading immediately.  You will be bored silly by this fodder.)  By now, all of you are well familiar with my friend Becky.  Today was her last day at the station.  😦  And all this time I thought she was just bluffing to get more money.  She actually had a job lined up and everything!  It’s official.  She left me.

Anyway, last week I shared with you our philosophy on eating out.  Shockingly enough, I received e-mails from many of you who are apparently suffering from the same affliction.  This week … I thought it would be fun to weigh in on the beauty industry.  As usual, this is not something I set out to do, but when I make a complete fool of myself I like to look for some kind of “point” in it all.  This will be educational for all of us.

Here goes.  Over the weekend, we had a going-away bash for Becky.  On Friday of last week, a reporter at work (who shall remain nameless) gave Becky a pair of fake eyelashes as a gag gift.  Why is this a gag, you ask?  It’s because Becky’s eyelashes are the envy of Nashville.  The LAST thing she needs is a FAKE pair.  We’re talking forest fire potential here.  It’s a good thing she doesn’t smoke.

The day of the party I decided that, in addition to the Pizza Hut (Taco Bell) gift certificate I was buying Becky, I would don a pair of fake eyelashes for her party.  I did it mostly for entertainment purposes, but in the back of my mind I was thinking, “Hey … if this works out, it’s a great way to “hip” myself up without having to fork over the money for plastic surgery!”  Mind you … I have no idea how to install a pair of fake lashes.

At the last minute … as always … I darted into the Walgreens down the street and picked up the cheapest pair I could lay my hands on.  Apparently, they were cheaper because the makers of these particular eye lashes failed to give any instructions whatsoever on how to put the bad boys on.  To make a long story short, I found myself in front of the mirror that night with a tube of adhesive and two caterpillars that I was supposed to somehow figure out how to attach to my lids.  It seemed like the simplest thing to do would be to carefully place a line of the glue along my lash line and stick the caterpillars onto that thin line.  I use gel eyeliner every day!  What’s the big deal?

The problem is … I kept pressing and pressing and pressing on the adhesive, much like a bottle of Elmer’s glue, until I shot a big wad of it into my eye.  I was pretty sure it didn’t require a trip to the hospital, since this stuff’s actually designed to be used on an eyelid, but it definitely didn’t produce the desired effect I was hoping for.  By the time I got the glue mostly wiped off and the lashes in place, I looked a little bit like Tammy Faye Baker … God rest her soul.  My caterpillars were all matted down and heinous looking.  To make matters worse, I began to notice a tinge of swelling … no doubt an allergic reaction to the liberal batch of latex I just placed directly onto my cornea.

As I was fighting off a panic attack, I had a flashback to our conversation with that reporter.  I remember her saying the first day she wore hers, she felt like one of those cheap baby dolls that always had the one eye that wouldn’t shut.   Most normal people might have ripped the lashes off, but I took this as a “cue” that my woes were just part of the complexities of trying to look beautiful.

It wasn’t until two days later, when I told my lash-savvy mom about the situation that she said the words … “YOU DIDN’T!”  I KNEW I should have Googled the thing!  My mother is a consummate beauty professional.  She does HAIR for a living.  Why I didn’t consult her, I will never know.  (Take notes, ladies.)  Apparently, you are supposed to create a pile of glue, take a toothpick and dip it into the glue, then line the LASHES carefully before sticking them on your eye. How could anyone possibly just KNOW this?  Where’s the crystal ball that tells you how to put on fake eyelashes without causing blindness?  Next time, I’m going for the Latisse … even if it does cause a permanent darkening of the eyelid like the commercial warns.  Do you know what I call that? Free eyeshadow.

Seriously, ladies.  What in the heck are we thinking?  All this work we do is fruitless.  From now on, whatever we are or aren’t … let’s just own it!  Not all of us were meant to have Angelina Jolie’s lips, and we sure as heck aren’t meant to have Becky’s lashes! It’s OK!  I’m writing this blog to say … don’t try to be something you’re not … even if it’s a joke! (Because you might end up looking like one.)  Oops … gotta go get ready.  Show starts in 15 minutes.

By the way … if you decide you want to do something that WILL make you look/feel like a million bucks, check out the Bradley Scott Trunk show at the Cotton Mill tomorrow between 11:00 and 5:30 or on Friday between 11:00 and 4:00.  I’ll be there Friday, and Bradley has flown in from NYC to meet you guys.  It’ll definitely be a fun time.


3 Responses

  1. You are halarious!!! I laughed until I cried when I read this! 🙂 Love to read your blog entries!

  2. OK I cracked up reading this… My daughter is 5 and competes with a dance team, her dance teacher had a bright idea of the girls wearing fake lashes…. I waited until the last minute to put these darn things on so she wouldn’t pull them off before her dance and well my daughter who is asian got up on stage bless her little heart and yours truly #1 dance mom had glued her eye almost completely closed. What a team player she danced, they won, and mommy vowed to NEVER EVER agree with fake lashes for dance again 🙂

  3. Jennifer,
    I have never worn false eyelashes and I am 40 something and decided to try them out one day not too long ago. I went to Walgreens and must have grabbed the same brand you did because as soon as I got them home I could not find instructions. I was supposed to be somewhere so I again did exactly what you did. After having glue and sticky eyelashes hanging off of my eyelids I decided it wasn’t worth it because I had to go. So I proceeded to try and wipe the glue off. As you probably found out, it is not that easy and I too looked like a Tammy Faye reject. The rest of the night I kept trying to unstick my eyelashes becaue they were sticking to each other, my lids, my eyeball. Everytime I would try to “unstick” if that is a word, I would have a couple of MY lashes come out. Plus I had eyeliner and mascara all over my face. Needless to say I guess I will go through the rest of my days with short eyelashes. Thanks for making me laugh!!!

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