Major Mayer Meltdown

This is one of those weeks you look back on and think, “Am I awake, or did I eat too many jalapenos before bedtime?” Let me just say … I’m accustomed to having bizarre things happen to me.  They flock to me like a paper clip to a magnet.  It’s been that way my entire life, but this week has been unprecedented … even for me.

First, a brief update on my foray into online dating.  After receiving about a half a dozen calls at work from people who either a) wanted to go out or b) wanted to offer me condolences on my divorce, “Blonde Angel 54” decided to retire my picture.  My life as a plentyoffish.com client is officially over.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about … read Monday’s blog.  There’s too much background to cover, especially when we have so much new weirdness to go over.

So after my picture was stolen on Monday and put on a singles site, I got an e-mail from a girlfriend asking me if I wanted to go to the John Mayer concert with her Wednesday.  I think to myself, “John Mayer … oh yeah, that’s the guy who sang that ‘Wonderland’ song.”  Even though I’m not a card-carrying member of the John Mayer fan club, I thought it would be a fun little break from the lunacy of the first part of my week.  We decided to meet up after the news.

Yesterday afternoon, I mentioned something about the concert on Facebook, and a friend commented on the classless interview he had just done in Playboy magazine.  Now I know this may come as a shocker to many of you, but I let my Playboy subscription run out over the summer.  I know … nuts huh?  My only recourse was to Google “Playboy and John Mayer” to see what I could come up with, and surprisingly enough … there wasn’t a lot out there.  I got busy with the rest of my day and never got another chance to revisit the issue.  Fast forward eight hours, and my own personal episode of the “Twilight Zone” began.

First of all, I felt like I should be on a walker.  Though I’m only six years older than Mr. Mayer himself, I felt like I could have birthed half the audience.  Most of them were in their mid to late teens, and if I’m not mistaken, I heard someone say, “Oh my God, there’s the news lady.  Hide the weed,” as we were walking to our seats.  Ah … chill out!  I’m not at work, so it’s not a story; and I’m sure as heck not going to steal your pot!

About three hours and 45 yawns into the concert, I had to creep over a sea of people to go to the bathroom.  Again, I’m reminded that I probably should have stayed home.  If you can’t hold your bladder through a set, it’s probably a sign that you’re too old to go to a concert.  Anyway, I came back … to this.

“In my quest to be clever, I forgot about all the people that I love and all the people who love me, and I went, as I have  begun to do, into a wormhole of greediness and arrogance and selfishness …” (John Mayer on stage)

What?  What happened?  His back-up singers are crying.  What’s he talking about?  I look at my girlfriend in search of answers, but get nothing in return except a shrugging of shoulders and a blank stare.  I forgot.  She has three times as many kids as I do and doesn’t watch the news.  If I’m disconnected on this one, she might as well be from Mars.  Mentally, I begin retracing my steps.  I went to the bathroom.  I came back.  He has obviously upset someone, but I don’t know who.  I decided all I could do at this point was listen intently and try to piece together the puzzle.

“I kept thinking that if I would just continue to be speedy and witty and pull together as many fast words and phrases as I could, that I could be clever enough to buy myself another day without thinking anyone would pin me down and say, “You’re a creep,” when I should have given that up and just played the guitar a little bit more … I didn’t.”  (John Mayer)

OK.  It’s all coming together.  This is about the Playboy interview.  I KNEW I should have tracked that thing down before the concert.  Where’s my BlackBerry when I need it?  This is like watching an episode of “Days of our Lives” when you haven’t seen the show in months.  I don’t have the slightest idea who’s dating who or who’s died.  It’s a DISASTER … and the meaningless rant continued.

“I think it’s important that you know that everyone here on the stage is here playing not because they condone anything I say in any given interview, and certainly not the interview that’s made the rounds today. They’re not on the stage because they support what I say.  They’re on the stage because they support me as a possible future grown up.” (John Mayer)

Duh! They’re on the stage because you’re PAYING THEM! What in the WORLD did this dude SAY?  At this point, I’m seriously on the verge of finding an usher to see if they’ll fill me in on the joke so I can appreciate the four-minute punchline.  I’ve never felt so out of touch in my life, and then … the big finish.

It’s just not worth being clever. (“Yeah” from the crowd) I just quit. (More cheers from the crowd!) I quit the soundbite game. (A third round of cheers from the crowd … except from me. I’m rolling my eyes because I realize that what he just said WAS a soundbite!)  I quit the media GAME.  I’m out.  I’m done. (Cheers all around, back-up singers are now sobbing and holding hands)  I just want to play my guitar for whoever is there to listen. (Standing ovation)

While everyone else was celebrating, I couldn’t help but feel like I’d just watched a reality show starring John Mayer as himself and us as his collective therapist.  The only thing missing was the couch.

I have to take my hat off to the guy though.  He’s a genius!  While claiming to be “done with the media” he just pulled off the biggest media coup in modern-day history.  He managed to respond to the negative press within hours of it happening, uninterrupted, on his own home turf in a way that has generated more media coverage than his last 10 press releases combined.

By the time the sun came up, his whole “impromptu” diatribe had been posted on YouTube.  Remember how he’s done with soundbites?  The whole speech is now a soundbite!  Before it’s over, this thing will have more viewers than the Kennedy assassination! John … when you’re done with that guitar, give me a buzz.  You have a bright future in media consulting.

P.S.  If you want to know what the apology/rant was all about… look it up online.  Most of the things he said aren’t suitable for WSMV’s Web site.

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