Say What?

When my husband and I were young parents we couldn’t wait for our daughter to utter her first words.  Mommy, daddy, hi, bye… we didn’t care what it was as long as she was communicating!  Now that she’s 7 we spend a lot of days wondering how long it would take DCS to show up on our doorstep if we taped her mouth shut.

In the last year alone, she’s alienated the mother of a fellow carpooler… shocked her dentist into therapy… mortified me… and revealed so many personal secrets we’re probably starting to seem like the Addam’s Family of our neighborhood.  This is my official warning to those of you with small children at home.  Watch what you say!

It makes no sense.  I can tell her to put her shoes on 18 times in a row, and her gaze never leaves the television set.  Yet when I try to have a discreet ADULT conversation about something… she turns into a CIA agent.  The other day I was talking to a friend on the phone in another room.  When we got in the car to go somewhere she said, “Oh, by the way… who had a stroke?”  I was whispering more than 100 feet away!  How did she hear that?  Is the house bugged?

Anyway, back to why we’re thinking about buying some duct tape.  Let’s start with our trip to the children’s dentist a year and a half ago.  I’m going to leave out the names to protect the innocent, but suffice to say… this story has made the rounds at various dinner parties around town.

My daughter had just walked out to the lobby following her cleaning.  We were playing checkers while waiting for the dentist to come give us the bad news.  (It’s never good.)  For the sake of the story, it’s important to note, that this man is a modern day Mr. Rogers.  He’s the nicest, kindest, most naive person you could ever want to meet.  As he’s telling me about her tooth “crowding” she looks up at him from the checker board, completely stone faced, and said, “My daddy wears women’s underwear to work.”  Huh! 

Where do I even begin to dig my way out of a crater this size?  I don’t know which was worse, my desire to choke her, or my insatiable need to run out to the car, call my husband, and find out what in the heck he’s been doing in my underwear drawer.  Of course instead, I made a lame attempt to smooth things over with the dentist.  “Obviously… she’s joking”, I said.  Would you buy that?  I wouldn’t.  What seven year-old makes up something that outlandish?

When we got in the car, I phoned my husband and tried to remain calm while asking him if there was anything he needed to get off his chest.  (or his rear end, for that matter) Once he told me the story it all made sense.  Apparently, he had picked up a pile of laundry in our bedroom floor that morning.  Dalton asked him what he was doing with my underwear, and he said, “Oh, sometimes I wear it to work.”  I’m sure it was hysterical when he said it, but in the middle of our dentist office… not so much.  For the record, we no longer go to that dentist. 

Another one of my other favorites involved our neighbor down the street who we happen to be in a carpool with.  One Saturday afternoon my daughter asked if she could invite her friend over to play, and I told her no because every time she has a friend over they tear the house all to pieces.  The next day, the same girl invited my daughter down to play.  Apparently while she was there she felt the need to tell the child’s mother, and I quote, “My mom said your daughter can’t come to our house anymore because she always tears the house up.  WHAT?!

Again, do they make a big enough shovel for something like that?  Do I just pretend it never happened?  Do I explain the next day that I was, in fact, referring to my own daughter’s inability to pick up after herself and not their child?  Frankly, it wouldn’t matter if we invited “thing one” and “thing two” over, our house would still look like Hiroshima at the end of every play date.  I called my brother in law, who’s the only sensible one in the family, and he said to just confront the issue head on… so I did.  We’re still carpooling.

Since I’m sharing stories, I guess I might at well tell at least one cute one.  In 2004 the two of us were on our way to daycare in our brand new car.  It was snowing out, and the traffic was horrible.  For whatever reason, I decided to take a back road that had roughly the same incline as that first drop off on the Wabash Cannonball.  Add a sheet of ice to the mix, and you can imagine how much fun I was having. 

I remember my daughter, who was about three at the time, wouldn’t stop yammering in the back seat.  I couldn’t help but think of something my grandmother always used to say, “Jennifer, turn down that radio.  I can’t see to drive.”  I calmly told her mommy was in a bit of a bind, and asked her to please stop talking.  In fact, I told her what she needed to do was be praying that we don’t have a wreck.  She thought for about ten seconds and said, “Ok, which one do you want, the eating prayer or the sleeping prayer?”  They can be precious when they want to be.    I guess I’ll cancel the tape order. 

If you have any funny stories about something your child has said… please  share.


10 Responses

  1. Out of the mouth of babes. As the case with probably all parents, I too have been embarrassed by my children. I do not remember anything quite like the above happening to me however.

    You’re right about their keen sense of hearing and the ability to recall it at a very inopportune time.

    My favorite recollection is something my daughter said when she was about three. Although not embarrassing it was cute. I looked down after she put her shoes on and told her “you put your shoes on the wrong feet.” She looked back up at me with the most sincere face and replied “these are the only feet I got.” I’m not sure where it came from but it has given me a wonderful memory.
    And this is my legacy???

    Thanks for the great stories you share.

  2. That’s fantastic! I have a bit of a potty mouth at times (nothing too bad…just “D-it” and “S” when I drop something or hurt myself, etc. When my daughter was about 3 she got in trouble at daycare because when trying to put a puzzle together she was having some trouble and would say “D-it” every time. I pointed out that at least she was using the phrase correctly! We’ve both since cleaned up our acts. LOL!

  3. Its funny you never realize how much you say something or a phrase until you hear it repeated back to you by your little one. No filter, you are born with it and when you get old you leave with it. They say what they think whether really young or really old and hold nothing back.

    One that comes to mind for me as our son is only 2 but talks like no other is my wife was driving on the interstate or the racetrack whichever you prefer. Anyways an older person was driving really slow so she whipped around them and happened to say you old bat not realizing she said it or that our little one was in the car.

    Fast forward a couple of weeks later at our local Chili’s restaurant and we are sitting there waiting on a table and there is an older couple sitting right beside us and the little one is talking to them and playing just being a 2 year old and out of his mouth comes you old bat! My wife and I had to hide our faces from laughing so hard and I am pretty sure he knew as he kept repeating it and with each breath got louder and louder. The woman asked what was he saying and I tried to discard it saying I think he said I’ll be back because they sound sooooo much alike.

    Needless to say I got a good laugh out of it and it is one of those things I do not think I will ever forget. Anyways loved the stories, keep up the good work!!

  4. Man, do kids say the darnest things. I love to hear all the wonderful stories of our children. I can remember one myself that had me red and laughing till my stomach hurt. We were sitting in our favorite resturant having dinner with our family at Olive Garden, I am thinking my daughter was about 3. Our waiter brings out or salad and begins to disburse our salad. At this time my daughters favorite thing to eat was the crutons on top of the salad. At the top of her lungs she yells, “hey mom can you pass me the tampons please!!!” (That was her way of telling us she wants crutons!) Boy was my face red!!!!

  5. We had an Easter Egg hunt on Easter Sunday and my house. My daughter brought a friends daughter, Emily who is 3 years old with her. My husband has a pond out back and he is so proud of it and has spent a lot of time and money getting it to look nice. Emily went outside on the deck and looked down at the pond and looked back up at my husband who was standing beside her and said “Wow look at the Big Mud puddle!” We got a big kick out of it. I never thought of it that way!

  6. One day I was at my daughter’s house and we decided to go somewhere. She was babysitting, Emilly, yes the same one that called my husbands pond a big mud puddle! As she was getting buckled up in her car seat, I heard her say, “oh no, my butt is eating my underwear”. I looked back there and she was tugging at her underwear. She’s too funny.

  7. When my daughter, now entering 2nd grade, was in Kindergarden. I picked up her up one afternoon and she had move clothes pins for talking for the third day in a row. She knew there was going to be a punishment.

    She asked me on the ride home, “Dad, can I have a second chance?”. I asked her why I should give her a second chance and her response was “God gave Jonah a second chance.” How do you argue with that?

  8. Jennifer, I love your sense of humor. Your delivery of the news is refreshing-don’t change a thing. My 5 year old grandaughter needed to go to the DR for a rash one Saturday morning. My duaghter announced as they were walking in that they would be visiting a walk-in clinic, our little one stated why? There’s nothing wrong with my walking, I have a rash. Everyone around enjoyed a good laugh.

  9. Hey` Jen I got one for you.. About two years ago. Me and my wife Shree` took our boat up to Dale hollow lake.We meet up with her cousin`s family. We had agreat day on the water… Skiing,Wakeboarding, and tubbing her cousins two kids.. The oldest one “logan” was about four I guess. After a full day of being in the water , it was time for him to get out and dry off.. We had both boats together in a very nice private cove.. All you could here were birds and the sounds of the trees in the wind.. Logan was drying himself off just fine.. He was sitting there rubbing the bottoms of his feet with this funny look on his face!?!? Without missing a beat he looked up at us all and said very loud ” My feet feel like Hell !!!” I thought I was going to fall out of the boat from laughing so hard!!! It was just so funny . I did not see it coming at all.. What happened he had never felt what it was like when your hands and feet soak for a few hours.. I still laugh when I think of him saying that to this day.. Jason W

  10. Nice blog! i enjoyed reading this. I wonder how it feels to be a parent. I have nieces and nephews and i just couldn’t imagine me being a parent. My nephew is so smart that he always talk and ask me these questions on and on. Can’t stand them sometime but when they are not around i really miss them. You really have a funny story here. thanks for sharing.


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