Lesson 6: No Matter How much you fight it… one day you will look in the mirror and see your mother staring back.
It’s Friday. I figured you could all use a good laugh, so I might as well provide one at my own expense. You may remember, a couple of years ago I wrote about the demise of my triceps. It was a dark day, indeed, when I looked down and discovered they had somehow morphed into a sagging blob of chicken-like skin. Mother Nature is a cruel, cruel operator, and unfortunately… she has struck again.
Last month, the station brought in a consultant to give us all a once over, and advise us on how we might “improve” ourselves. In the course of a half hour, I discovered that my hair was too blonde, my clothes were too casual, and I needed a set of fake eyelashes to make my eyes “pop” on camera. I’m pretty sure that’s code for, “we need to create a distraction so viewers don’t notice the dark circles under your eyes and enormous crow’s feet that are starting to appear next to them.”
I can’t say that I’m offended by her suggestions. She’s almost always dead on, but I still manage to walk away feeling like one of those people in the DON’T section of Glamour magazine with a shameful black rectangle covering their face. I always wonder if those people get a heads up they’re going to be featured in the magazine? Do the editors get permission, or do the people just flip to that section one month in hopes of making fun of someone… only to find themselves a target?
Because I’m so obsessive compulsive, I spent weeks asking everyone I came into contact with if they thought my eye lashes were falling out. Trust me when I say… you don’t want to be around me when one of these revelations takes hold. My friends are used to my neurotic behavior so they ignore it, but the guy bagging my groceries didn’t seem nearly as amused. In fact, I’m pretty sure he quit after I forced him to inspect my eyelids on the way to the car.
I spent the better part of September testing out every fake lash on the market. After gluing my eyes shut several times, nearly failing to make the 4 o’clock show altogether on occasion, and scaring the bejesus out of my cleaning lady with all of the spider looking leftovers laying around my house… I finally mastered the art of the fake lash.
For weeks, I basked in the glow of my new secret weapon. All was perfect in the world… until two weeks ago, when I discovered that my lids were nearly bald without their camouflage. Apparently, my real lashes got their feelings hurt and started dropping out of the race one by one. What started out a thin lash was quickly turning into no lash at all!
I did what every girl does in a situation like this. I texted one of my bff’s.
Me: Hey… where are you? I’m having a crisis.
Ursula: I’m at the Dr.’s office. What’s up?
Me: My lashes are falling out! (Mind you… I’m standing 2 inches from my magnifying mirror counting while texting.)
Ursula: I just need an antibiotic, but they won’t give it to me unless they see me… so I’m wasting my whole day here. Wow! Kacy’s interviewing someone named Ursula. There are two of us!
Me: What are you babbling about? Did you not get my text? I said my lashes are FALLING OUT!
Ursula: I got it. Are they down on your cheek or something? Just put more glue on!
Me: My REAL ones you idiot!
Ursula: OMG… LOL You need to steal some of your mom’s Latisse samples!
Me: Already on it. Bye!
For those of you who aren’t self-absorbed enough to spend your life fighting the aging process… Latisse is like miracle grow for lashes. It works like a charm, but costs about $200 a tube. My mother managed to get her hands on a sample two months ago, and her eyes have looked like caterpillars ever since. Soon she may have to trim them!
Back in the day I used to fight the idea of turning into my mother. Tonight, I’ll sneak into her medicine cabinet like a teenager just hoping that in another 27 years… I might actually look that good!
Jennifer! You crack me up! You are a VERY attractive woman and I would have NEVER known about your “shortcomings” had you not mentioned them. Keep up the blog, it’s just what I needed on this cold, rainy Friday!
I tried Latisse and had great lashes and eyebrows. Then I couldn’t afford it anymore and I’m back to skimpy. Oh, well, my eyelashes got so long they kept scaping my reading glasses and sunglasses…….
Girl, I don’t see any shadows under your eyes or crow’s feet…… Stay away from the magnifying mirror.
Glad it works for your mother and hoping Latisse does for you as well…The potential permanent side effects sound scary enough that I would instead look for a another place to work if taking such risks is their expectation… I’ve never had a problem with your appearance on TV, but my wife and I saw you eating lunch once and couldn’t believe you were so tiny…Just my opinion, but Channel 4 should worry more about the informative value of news being reported than appearances… For example,they broadcast from the studio in HD, which calls more attention to the looks of the reporter, yet the pictures from their traffic cameras are fuzzy unlike other stations…. You look great!
Jennifer,
There is not a thing wrong with you. I just hope to look half as good as you at that age. I like about 5 more years… so that will go by pretty fast…lol. I enjoy your posts..they give me a good laugh
Hi Jennifer – yes it’s me, your 2nd Mom. lol There’s only one thing wrong with your blogs and that is that you don’t write them often enough. I know you’ve been busy and haven’t had the best month but just remember how many people you are making laugh when you share your experiences and “wisdom”! Hope your November is very kind to you!!
Sheryl Peary
You’re one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen, and you don’t look forty-ish, you barely look thirty-ish! I love your self effacing sense of humor and ability to laugh at yourself. You’re a gem, and WSMV is lucky to have you!