As Seen on T.V.

Several years ago my family and I went to Gatlinburg.  We couldn’t help but notice these stores on every block with a huge sign that said “As Seen on T.V.”  I’m a sucker for a gimmick, so we decided to check it out.  No joke… anything you’ve EVER seen advertised on late night cable was in that store.  Every time I picked something up I could imagine the guy on the Ginzu knife commercial saying “Now… how much would you pay?”  God bless Billy Mays.  We lost one of the greats this week, didn’t we?  He was always so enthusiastic about his products… and loud.

When it was said and done, my husband walked out of the store with one of those shirt folding contraptions.  I bought a bacon wave (a.k.a. microwave bacon rack), and my mom threatened to buy a bedazzler for her next dirty Santa exchange, but decided just to heckle us instead.  If you ever get a chance to check out one of these stores you should… even if it’s just for entertainment purposes.

Of course they have your obvious items like the salad shooter and the clapper, but you’d be amazed by all of the things in there you HAVEN’T seen before.  For example, have you ever heard of the furminator?  It’s this mini vacuum designed to seamlessly remove your pet’s loose hairs in just minutes.  I doubt it works, but the golden retriever on the box looked pretty happy sitting next to a pile of his nappy dead ends.  Then there’s the shoe organizing bed skirt.  Who knew?  I bet you can’t get one of those at Pottery Barn!  I don’t know about you, but my shoes aren’t much to look at.  I definitely wouldn’t display them around the sides of my bed as decorative items.  They don’t have quite the ambiance of say, a candle.

The one thing I should warn you NOT to blow your money on is the Bark Stop Professional.  I can assure you, this product doesn’t work.  We got one about six years ago when the neighbor’s dog kept waking up our newborn.  Of course, the simple solution would have been to knock on their door and ask them to put their dog up at night, but my husband and I are too passive aggressive for that.  Instead, we invested 70-bucks in the Bark Stop.  The idea is that every time the dog barks, this device is supposed to send out an ear piercing noise that can only be heard by dogs.  Obviously the beauty of the device is that the owners don’t know you’re torturing their pet.  No need to call the Humane Society.  Either Gabe was deaf, or the thing didn’t work because his incessant barking never stopped the three years they lived there.

As I started writing this blog, I began thinking of what kinds of things I’d like to see in the “As Seen on TV” store.  I promise, if you go out and invent one of these products, there’s no need to give me credit.  Just send me a few freebies, and we’ll call it even.

1) An all purpose re-charger

Am I the only person who’s sick to death of having a different cord/charger for every single electronic device I own?  If I get any more, I’m going to need a suitcase to haul them around in.  I did an inventory just for this blog.  I currently have eleven:  a charger for my I-pod, another cord to download from I-tunes TO my I-pod, a wall charger for both my work and my cell phone, a separate CAR charger for each said phone, a wall charger for my laptop, another for my daughter’s DVD player, a car charger for her DVD player, a separate charger for her Nintendo DS, and a third I-pod charger for hers because it’s newer than mine.  This doesn’t even include all of my husband’s junk.  Can someone help me out here?

What gives? The plug in my wall is universal. There’s nothing special about my cigarette lighter.  Why do the other ends of these cords have to come in a thousand different shapes and sizes?  What am I missing here?  Is it illegal to make a charger that fits more than one thing?

2) I need something that will cause the cordless phones in my house to repel one another.

We have three cordless phones in our house.  At any given moment a phone should only be a stone’s throw away.  So why is it that when I need one… they’re all hanging out in a pile next to each other?  I don’t know if they huddle up and prank call people when we’re not around or what, but it never fails!  And if they stay there long enough without someone calling, they all go dead simultaneously.

3) A sunscreen detector

Somehow I need to figure out which parts of my body have escaped sunscreen BEFORE I get a quarter sized third degree burn somewhere on my body.  No matter how diligent I am about spreading the stuff around, there’s always one little area of skin that gets overlooked.  Sometimes it hurts, but more often than not, it’s just an unsightly situation.  Looking like Rudolph the red nosed reindeer is cute in December, but not necessarily conducive to being on television five nights a week.

And on that note, I think there should be some chemical you could put in a pool to immediately alert you when a child (or adult, for that matter) has peed in the pool.  I’m sorry to be gross, but we all know it’s going on so let’s just get it out there.  Can you imagine how much it would cut down on the problem if kids knew they were going to be exposed and embarrassed for doing it?  Let’s get some chemists together with some food coloring, chlorine, water, and you know what… and see how far we can take this thing. 

I’m sure I’ll think of some other ideas, but I need to get ready for our five o’clock show.  Send me your ideas. What do you need someone to invent?