I hate to admit this, but for the past five days I’ve been periodically surfing the internet… wondering if I might have a “possible”, “probable”, or even a “confirmed” case of the swine flu. It started around Wednesday when our swine flu coverage kicked into high gear. By Friday, it was a full blown crisis. Clinically speaking, I don’t think I meet the criteria to be considered a card carrying hypochondriac, (at least that’s what the on-line quiz said) but if there was a label out there for people who self diagnose themselves with illnesses via the internet, I’d be the poster child. At times, I’ve spent so much time on WebMD I feel like I should qualify for some sort of on-line degree.
In a way it’s cruel having so much information so readily available. The fact that I made a C in Health Education and have no medical expertise whatsoever… even as a candy striper… have yet to deter me from diagnosing myself with some of the world’s most dreaded diseases. A couple of summers ago I found a deer tick on my arm. Most people would simply twist the thing off counter clockwise and forget about it. I, on the other hand, developed a fever several days later and became utterly convinced that I had a raging case of Lyme disease, hallucinations and all.
Two weeks ago I was leaning over the tub running my daughter’s bath when I noticed these white spots appearing on both arms. I figured it had something to do with my circulation, so I walked down to the bonus room with my arms dragging the ground to demonstrate the problem to my husband. He looked up from my daughter’s Nintendo game just long enough to roll his eyes and shake his head. Low and behold, I googled the words “arm” and “white spots”, and what did I find? Debbi226 had the SAME thing happen back in February. I haven’t been to the doctor yet, but I think it may be the onset of Vitiligo. Remember that skin disease Michael Jackson had? Don’t laugh! My mother has it. She hasn’t worn a sleeveless shirt in years.
As I was writing this blog, a friend also reminded me of the time I thought I had Lupus. Don’t ask me why these people continue to hang out with me. I can’t figure it out either. Anyway, one day my thumb just started aching uncontrollably. It was so bad I could barely hold a diet coke. I started sweating as I discovered (with my good hand) that 9 out of 10 people who get it are WOMEN. To make matters worse, it usually strikes between the ages of 15 and 45. Guess who’s between those ages. ME! I walked around telling people I had Lupus for days before I realized it was just a case of “blackberry thumb”. Apparently I’d gotten carried away with the new e-mail feature on my phone and induced a minor case of tendonitis.
I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that sometimes being this neurotic can backfire on you. A year and a half ago I broke out in hives from head to toe the day of the Rick Springfield concert. Despite the golf ball sized tumor on the side of my face, my husband just kept sipping his Starbucks insisting it was all in my head. I had scratched off the top layer of epidermis on most of my body before he finally agreed to drive me to the hospital, and even as the ER Doctor administered a shot of epinephrine, my husband was making the cuckoo sign to his head. Come to think of it, maybe this was some kind of payback for dragging him to the Rick Springfield concert.
Who knows… maybe it IS all in my head, but if I was trying to get a day off from work, my plan failed miserably. When I stumbled into my boss’ office on Friday to explain my plight he never even looked up from his computer and said, “We’re in ratings. You’re not going home unless we do a live shot from your bedside.” He was joking. (I think) After shooing me out the door, he e-mailed me a link to what are quite possibly the funniest public service announcements I’ve ever seen in my life. These actually AIRED! They were released by the federal government after the last swine flu epidemic in 1976.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ASibLqwVbsk
I sent these to my parents, thinking they would get a kick out of them. My mom called me later and said “That’s not funny! I had it”. Pardon moa? Could it be possible that this whole self diagnosis thing pre-dates the internet? Just when I started thinking the whole thing was hereditary she reminded me that she did, in fact, have the swine flu when I was five. I actually remember it now! All my dad knew how to cook was a fried egg. I gagged my way through them for two days before my grandparents showed up to rescue me.
Anyway, I say all of this to say, my swine flu turned out to be a case of allergies. Unless you have a golf ball sized tumor on your face, you should probably keep your mouth shut.
It seems I can always relate to your columns – is there a name for that? I think that is probably a common thread among your regular readers.
You’re right, you are not a hypochondriac. Being in the medical field I often see people who act or react the same way. When there are newsworthy stories regarding health issues (H1N1, meningitis, MRSA, salmonella, etc.) we see an increase in patients with the same symptoms. Often, as in your case, we see people who need medical attention but usually not the “dreaded disease.” Always take your symptoms seriously, even a broken clock is right twice a day. My message is the same as yours, just not nearly as entertaining.
Thanks.