My Latest Obsession

Ok… I’ve admitted to a lot of embarrassing things via this blog.  You know that I’m a tight wad, shopping almost exclusively at Target.  I’ve made it perfectly clear that, despite my on-air demeanor, I do not… in any way… have my act together in real life.  The only thing worse than my organizational skills are perhaps, my eating habits.  Let’s face it.  I’m a train wreck… just like most of my other friends who are working moms.  I’ve recapped all of these personal deficiencies in an effort to soften the blow when I tell you about my latest obsession.  I am addicted… to “Twilight”.  My head is spinning faster than a vampire’s.  I don’t even know how this happened.

When the movie came out last year, I watched the entertainment networks doing wall to wall coverage.  Teenage girls were camping out for days to be the first to see the flick on opening night.  I found it all rather amusing because a) I’d never even heard of “Twilight” and b) The guy playing the main vampire, Edward Cullen, looked like he had just pulled his finger out of an electrical socket.  I didn’t understand what all of the hubbub was about.

I really never gave the movie a second thought until about four weeks ago, when my brother-in-law brought in a copy along with a stack of other DVD’s. I hate vampires and frankly, any kind of “magical wizardry”.  I actually used to tease people for reading/watching such trash, but whatever, it was Sunday afternoon.  We were bored, and decided to watch it for a good laugh.  The next thing I knew, I had been sucked into this crazy “Twilight” vortex.  I literally could NOT stop thinking about this ridiculous movie, more specifically Edward (crazy hair) Cullen.  What gives?  The movie is geared for twelve year olds!!!!!

On Monday, I decided to wander into the book section of Target just for fun. It wasn’t like I was going to BUY a copy of “New Moon” (the next installment of the vampire saga).  I just wanted to… you know… skim a few pages and then move on to some of my more pressing shopping.  Twenty minutes and a half a dozen ugly stares from employees later, I found myself wandering to the checkout line with my tail between my legs and a copy of the book under my arm.  I reasoned with myself that I pretty much HAD to buy it at this point.  After all… I’d already read three chapters in the middle of the store. By Friday, the 500 page book was history, and I started calling my husband “Edward” for fun.  He was not entertained, especially when I got out the blow dryer and a bottle of gel to try and give his hair that “messed up” look.  I saw an intervention of some sort on the horizon, but I couldn’t help myself.

Week 2: I put on sunglasses and a scarf and went to a different Target for book three, “Eclipse”.  I figured if I was going to continue buying these teeny bopper books without damaging my credibility, I should probably move around to different stores.  This was starting to feel really wrong but a little fun at the same time.  I nervously made up some excuse to the clerk about how my niece just “loves” these books.  She gave me a knowing look and said, “uh… huh.”  Why did I have to go there?  Just buy the stinking book and move on!  It seemed like, moving forward, I should remove the book cover so it wouldn’t be so obvious what I was spending all of my time on.  Don’t all books look alike underneath the fancy covers?  That night, I had to pick my daughter up from gymnastics.  Perfect!  I thought.  I’ll read for a half hour while I’m in there.

I sat down on the bleachers and opened up the book, careful to make sure no one could see the title.  I couldn’t help but notice that another mother two seats down was also reading a black book that was mysteriously missing its front cover.  Could I just leave it alone?  Of course not.  I said, “What are you reading?”  A wave of what appeared to be shock and embarassment crossed her face before she said, “Eclipse”.  I couldn’t contain myself.  I squealed, “Me too!”  We spent the next fifteen minutes comparing notes about Edward and Jacob.  Would you prefer a vampire or would you go for the werewolf?  What’s so special about Bella? She’s such a whiney baby.  Have you gotten to the part where the Volturi shows up?  I felt my mouth moving, and I heard words coming out, but I was also pretty convinced that someone had hijacked my brain.  This conversation was PROPOSTEROUS!!!  Five days later, I had finished “Eclipse”.

By this point, I wasn’t even bothering with false pretenses.  I nearly broke a heel off one of my shoes running to the book aisle last Friday morning.  Then… something horrifying happened, something even more horrifying than the fact that this book series almost cost me a pair of expensive pumps.  There were NO copies of the fourth and final installment, “Breaking Dawn”.  I couldn’t believe my eyes.  There were THREE entire displays dedicated to “Twilight”.  I pilfered through all of them, book by book, but couldn’t find a SINGLE copy of “Breaking Dawn”.  I accidentally flagged down a customer wearing a red shirt before I finally found someone who actually worked at Target to see if they would check the back room.  Ten minutes later, he produced one tattered, dog eared copy.  I didn’t care.  I snatched it out of his hand like it was a 100-dollar bill and grabbed a copy of “Twilight” on the way out for good measure.  Remember… I had only seen the movie up to this point!  I might as well go back and read the first book, right?

When reflecting on this whole situation I couldn’t help but think… It’s utterly amazing how many dirty dishes and clothes can pile up in two weeks.  I haven’t been paying much attention to those lately.  I also thought that we must be very desperate as a society for romance.  When you strip “Twilight” down to its simplest form, it’s really just a modern day fairy tale that happens to mix in some vampires, werewolves and devil babies.

Girls, (especially those of you under the age of 20) pay very close attention to me.  Only in a Fairy Tale does your boyfriend look like a Calvin Klein model, drive a $250,000 car, own an exotic island, and give you a black card for wild shopping sprees.  Only in a Fairy Tale does that same guy give you permission to be in love with some other hot guy who’s equally appealing because “you’re too good for him”.  Only in a Fairy Tale does your boyfriend sneak into your bedroom every night and not get caught by your dad.  Do you see where I’m going with this?

There is one good thing that has come out of all this.  I overheard a girl the other day say, “I just told my boyfriend he needed to open my door like Edward.”  Guys… you may not be running your own Fortune 500 Company, but you might want to borrow your girlfriend’s copy of “Twilight”.  Some of Eddie’s moves are worth stealing.